Can this be detrimental to a relationship or is it something that should be ignored?Here is an example of one email: “I’m in a relationship with my boyfriend for more than 3 years.This trust cannot be established if either one of the partners remains in contact with a former lover.
who are conscious, caring individuals and who have done impressive and meaningful things in life—and yet who remain frustrated (and frankly, confused! And hard as I tried to have the story go another way (the endless hours in therapy talking about my relationship “issues,” the countless self-help books read and the many relationship seminars attended) at the end of the day . All the while secretly wondering, however, if maybe I’d never actually been the right person.
Yet, by the time I reached my fortieth birthday—in spite of being a psychotherapist who was helping others to have happy, successful and satisfying unions every day, I was a true-blue, card-carrying member of the fastest-growing group in America—the “never marrieds.” I was mortified. Maybe men didn’t like strong, mission-driven women. Maybe I’d waited too long to take my quest for love seriously because by now, it seemed that all the good ones really were already taken. But the men who liked me always turned out to be unavailable in one way or another. Married men, alcoholic men, commitment phobic men, engaged men . If it was an impossible love, I was a magnet for it. ” I’d murmur something about never having met the right person.
If keeping these things is so innocent then why keep them secret?
Also, why not give up such things as photos and other types of contact?
For years, I longed to be in a committed, loving relationship with someone who I adored and who adored me back, and with whom I could create a happy family of our own. even gay men who wanted to explore found me utterly fascinating. Covertly worried that there was something with me, when others asked the horrifying question, “Why haven’t you ever married?
Yet, soon after my 41st birthday, I was fortunate enough to learn about the power of setting intentions and standing for an unprecedented and even unpredictable future.If someone is fully committed to their romantic partner why not be understanding of their feelings about this?Secret or not, maintaining contact with a former lover dilutes or takes energy and focus away from the present relationship.A factor that increases the damage that is done to a couple is the fact that this activity is kept secret.Most often, the lover comes across photos, emails and Facebook activity by accident.Before this moment, I had so longed for a healthy, committed partnership with a man whom I could love and respect that I hadn’t even considered that I might actually be covertly working against myself and even unconsciously invested in being alone.